After the first failed IVF, I couldn't shake off the feeling of guilt. I can't say I was devastated, because up to this day, almost 6 years after, I still can't find the words to describe how I felt. There was an emptiness that went beyond words. The feelings of loneliness and guilt which proved to be a horrible combination, threatened to undo me. I kept asking myself what I might have done wrong. I kept telling myself that maybe if I had laid down a certain way, if I eaten a certain way, if I hadn't done a certain something, maybe my baby would have lived...
My husband didn't help much. He had never been the talking type. It felt like he didn't want to be around me, probably because he didn't know how to handle all that I was feeling. He buried himself in his work and when he had to be with me, he just kept looking at me with such pity that it only made me feel worse. I felt like I had failed at something. And then, to make matters worse, he would occasionally make the side comment about what a waste of money it has all been.
It was an emotionally and psychologically draining period. I lacked the energy and drive to get up in the mornings. I have always been a very cheerful and overly optimistic person, but during this time, smiling sometimes requires a huge effort.
Looking back, I can't figure out how I survived, but I guessed somebody somewhere was looking out for me and miraculously, healing happened. I won't say that I was the same person after, but, I was able to find a way to move ahead. The scars still remained but then, hope thrived, faith was there and I felt like I got healed.
And, then I decided to try again.
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